CHAPTER ONE
Grayson
“Something’s happened to your sperm.”
My pencil scrapes over the paper, leaving a coal scratch over the area where the parking lot is supposed to go.
And I couldn’t disagree more. Absolutely nothing’s happened to my sperm. Literally. It’s been pooling inside my testicles because I’m too damned busy to arrange a date and too tired to masturbate when I get home.
My primary lawyer doesn’t know that, and I’m sure as hell not going to tell him. I go back to the blueprint proposal for the new factory campus. I don’t have time for whatever gossip the rumor mill has cooked up about me this time.
“Grayson, did you hear me?” Elias’ voice is sharp, with twinges of being fed up.
“I don’t have time for gossip, Elias. This proposal is taking—”
“I wouldn’t bother you if it wasn’t an emergency.”
For fuck’s sake. No, Grayson. Remember the HR training. Stay in the dialogue, make it safe for him, and focus on the desired outcome: getting him the fuck out of here. “Make it quick.”
“Alice disappeared. She hasn’t been seen for the past two days and she never got impregnated.”
My blood trips inside my veins. His words are meshing together and try as I might, I can’t make sense of them. Then they all hit me at once and in a breath I’m up on my feet and around the desk. “Elias, you know I don’t have a fucking sense of humor. If this is some bullshit prank, you’re going to need a surgeon to remove my fist from your throat and a sandwich cart. I will fire your ass so fast no one in the world would hire you again.”
His jaw tightens, the icy glint in his eyes tells me he would punch me. If he could. But his voice is soft and measured. “Grayson, threatening me won’t change the facts. I wouldn’t jest about this. I’m repeating what was told to me. If you answered your phone and didn’t have all your calls routed to me like I’m your secretary, the clinic could have told you personally—”
I hold up a hand. He’s not wrong, but I pay him more than well enough to deal with shit for me when I’m swamped. “You told me it was under control. A couple of days ago, Alice came in here and assured me she felt good and all was going according to plan. You backed her up. Now you come to me with this bullshit?”
Elias presses a hand to his mouth. “All was supposed to be well. We had a pregnancy confirmation and it was evolving according to plan.”
“But you went to the appointment with her.”
“I couldn’t go, Grayson.” His voice rises. “You sent me to the closing for the buildings near Havre de Grace. I wouldn’t have made it on time. She went into the appointment that day by herself and I met her for lunch after. She showed me the procedure confirmation. I had no reason to doubt her. The positive test two weeks later confirmed it was all done. I can’t be in all places at once.”
I go back around my desk to check my calendar but I hadn’t added any reminders. Fuck me. This is not happening. “Tell me what they told you.”
“The clinic director called this morning. The doctor who performed the procedure has gone missing. When they looked through his files, they realized what happened. According to their records, Alice showed up to the clinic the day of the procedure but the video surveillance footage shows her leaving fifteen minutes later.”
I press my palms flat on top of my desk. A clear head must prevail when dealing with a crisis. “Have her found. I want to make sure she never opens her mouth about this to anyone. I need her silence.”
Elias clears his throat. “There’s more. Alice didn’t get to do the procedure but…” He adjusts the knot in his tie. “…the doctor recorded that your specimen was used. Implanted in another patient, who was settled in the adjacent room. They suspect the missing doctor messed up or was helping Alice…”
A wave of cold knifes through my stomach, chilling my whole body. I stop him with a shake of my head. I’ve gone senile because everything out of Elias’ mouth today is something out of a B-rate movie. My embryo is growing inside a stranger’s body. “If you’re joking—”
“I’m not,” he says in his litigation tone.
“Could this other woman be working with Alice? Because if she’s part of this, I will make her pay.” I run my fingers through my hair. This is ridiculous.
“There’s no evidence the woman was in on this. The clinic director wouldn’t tell me much at first, trying to adhere to the HIPAA Privacy Rule. I threatened to bury them in litigation, a malpractice lawsuit, and all the publicity your money could buy. She forked over all of what they know thus far. She suspects Alice and this doctor worked together on this. They’re currently questioning all the employees on duty that day. The impregnated woman is a school teacher who went in for a routine procedure, a device called an IUD. She has not been notified.”
I can’t fucking believe this. This kind of shit doesn’t happen. Least of all to me. I’ve had those embryos frozen for years. Since Astrid… No, I can’t let myself think of that. “The teacher. Who is she?”
Elias never would’ve come to me without as much information as was available. That’s a mistake no one working for me would ever make.
Elias clear his throat. “She teaches art to elementary school children, at a private school, and tutors. She’s also an artist whose work has been featured at Artscape a few times. She’s of Hispanic descent, has a decent credit score but no real money. She rents a place near Patterson Park, drives a beat-up Camry, and does not have a criminal record.”
This is a fucking nightmare.
“Go see her. I need her to come and meet me. I didn’t plan it this way but that’s still my embryo in there. Tell her I want to negotiate. Have contracts drawn up. I’ll pay her for any inconvenience. I don’t care how many zeroes it takes.”
Elias’ eyebrows lift but he nods. I turn away. The sky is bright out and I can see almost all the way to Fort McHenry. If I were the type of man that enjoyed these things, I would leave work and go home. I would go to my rooftop terrace to think about this mess.
His footsteps tap toward the door but there’s one more thing.
“What’s her name, Elias?”
“Winter Alexander,” he says and closes the door behind him.
It’s the right call. I don’t want to be bothered by anyone. I can almost picture Astrid looking down on me with her sad eyes, flattened lips, and with that understated disappointment she used to wear so seamlessly. The same sad irritation that had lingered in her features when I tried to console her after every failed IVF treatment.
Promise you’ll have our baby, Grayson.
I’d been a fool to say yes. I was bound to disappoint her again but I couldn’t deny my wife her last wish. I’ll do whatever it takes to fulfill it. I will make this happen.
Because I can’t fail her this time. No matter what.
I sit back behind my desk, pushing to the side the blueprints and notes that have robbed me of countless hours of sleep. I open a new browser window and enter a search: Winter Alexander in Baltimore.
It takes a few clicks but soon a face fills my screen. It’s from an artist showcase. An all-black outfit covers most of her body. Tons of hair, golden amber skin, and a smile like she’s trying to hold the happiness inside but can’t. Her almond eyes make me pause. They’re deep amber, like McCallan 18 swirling on a Baccarat tumbler.
I hope she’s just as open when I meet her as she looks in the picture. Because I didn’t choose this Winter woman, but she’s going to carry that pregnancy to term. No matter what it costs me.
Winter
I’m not going to fight death anymore. I’m going to lie here and let her take me. Another cramp slithers up my torso but there’s no bracing for it. My stomach has been trying to shove its way out of my body for days. Thankfully, the end is near. I just wish it didn’t have to be so painful.
Slow breaths. Don’t inhale too deep.
I keep my energy centered on breathing and rubbing a hand over my belly until the pain subsides.
I stretch my legs out on the bed and stare at the ceiling. If I concentrate on counting the blue stripes, the nausea is not as bad. I don’t focus so much on how shitty my body, my head, my whole life feels right at this moment. I concentrate on the damned stripes on my ceiling. I knew someday they would come handy for something other than falling asleep at night, which is good because I haven’t been needing to count lately to knock myself out. I seem to fall asleep just by blinking.
The banging on the door jackhammers through my skull and I sit up fast. My heart pounds along with the rest of me. I fell asleep thinking about how easily I fall asleep these days.
“Winter.” Lauren’s voice comes through loud and clear through my cracked window.
Shit, I was supposed to go out with the girls tonight. I groan.
The knocking continues. I roll myself out of bed and shuffle down the stairs. They won’t go away until they’ve seen me. The downfall of having friends is they care. One look at me and they exchange identical looks of what can only be described as horror.
I bet I look like the human version of a Jackson Pollock painting.
“Oh no. You still don’t feel well,” Adri says in that mommy tone that is so natural to her. Her fingers brush over my cheek like I’m a five-year-old with a tummy ache.
I’m not. I’m just your average thirty-year-old, dying because a volcano is erupting inside my body. Meanwhile, she and Lauren stand flawless in killer outfits, bang-up makeup, and perfectly-lined lips.
Nothing makes you feel worse about being sick and looking like shit than seeing other people at the peak of their health. I stare at them with their glorious, shiny hair and glowing skin, looking like they are illustrated with Titian’s magic brush, and repress the urge to slam the door on their faces.
I’m a hater.
I shove away the green monster and myself out of the way so they can come in. Lo ruffles my tangled hair, like I’m Bronwyn, Adri’s daughter.
Adri heads straight for my kitchen and I don’t even bother to stop her. She won’t listen to me anyway.
Lauren grabs a bottle of water from my coffee table and hands it to me. “I can’t believe you’re still sick. Did you go to the doctor again?”
I move to the chair and sit because standing is near impossible. “I left messages for her to call me. I’m still waiting—”
I’ve been abandoned by my doctor. What else is new?
Adri rushes back into the living room. “You don’t have anything in there. How am I supposed to make you soup?”
The thought of food makes me want to beg for a swift—Final Destination fast and fulminating—kind of death. “You don’t have to Adri, I can’t even hold—”
She holds up a hand, pulls out her phone and goes back to the kitchen.
Lauren grabs the throw from the couch and drapes it over me. “Why didn’t you call me? We would have brought you food or medicine or whatever you needed. You would’ve been better by now.”
“I didn’t have the energy. Between the nausea, the throwing up, the cramping and the headaches, I haven’t had the energy to do anything but lay around.”
“Throwing up? Headaches? Do you also wake up feeling like a semi-trailer rolled over you all night?” Adri asks from the kitchen entrance.
“Yeah.”
She comes closer and feels my forehead. “No fever but you do look pale. Do your nipples feel like they’re going to fall off because your boobs are so heavy?”
I nod.How do you know?
She smiles. “One more question, have you peed on a stick yet?”
A fresh wave of nausea rises up my chest and tickles my throat. I press my hand to my chest, massage it and force a laugh. “What? Pee on a stick? As in a pregnancy test? No. It would be immaculate conception and we all know I am far from the good Virgen María.”
Lauren snickers. “Damn, girl. Has it been that long since you got the pipes cleaned?”
I can’t help but join her. “You’re one to talk. Unless there’s something you want to tell us.”
It’s our running joke because it’s been so long since either of us enjoyed a little man attention. Although, her drought is a choice. She has that hot Chase Blake after her. I don’t know how she resists that hard body or that mouth.
Lauren sighs. “Sadly, my pipes are still clogged, too.”
“My pipes are clean and shiny, “Adri blurts out. She’s happier than anyone I’ve ever seen, since reuniting with her high school sweetheart. She, her boyfriend Cam and their daughter, Bron, are the perfect, most beautiful family.
I’m so jealous I could gag or maybe I’m just queasy again. Hard to tell.
“Shut up, Adri. Winter and I don’t want to hear that shit during our backed-up period.” Lauren turns a frown on me. “If you’re not prego, and you had the IUD installed, then something else is going on. We need to get you to a doctor. Let’s go to the ER or one of those urgent patient care places.”
I shake my head so hard it hurts. No force on heaven or earth can get me inside a hospital. Not while I’m conscious, anyway. I hate sterile environments and I would be all alone with the doctors while they examined me. Nope nope nope. Not happening.
“You’re acting like one of your students, Miss Alexander. Let us take you to the doctor. You’re probably dehydrated and need an IV.”
My legs go weak. IV? As in a needle shoved into my arm and breaking through my skin? Fuck no, with a capital F. No needles. No one is going to poke at my skin and not find my veins only to keep poking me until I have black marks. Just no.
“You know what, the two of you should go out and do girls’ night like we planned. I just need to shake this off. If I’m not better I promise I’ll go to the doctor.”
“One, you’re a liar and a bad one at that. Two, we are not doing girls’ night without you,” Lauren says.
Adri’s eyes narrow on me too. “Cam is sending my mom’s Sopa de Pollo over. She makes it for when Bron is sick, so we keep a lot of it frozen. We won’t stay long, so you can get some rest, but we’re not leaving here until you’ve eaten and are comfortably settled.”
Lauren nods and they do that gang up thing that comes natural to lifetime friends. I’m still learning the ins-and-outs of friendships.
“I’m not hungry.” My protest makes me sound like my students when I ask them to read about art and not just try to paint it.
Lo sits next to me. “I need you to get better soon. I can’t keep going out without a drinking partner. It gets me in trouble.”
It’s futile to fight it so I relent. “Okay.”
Adri smiles at me. “Good. Now why don’t you take a shower? You’ll feel brand new after you smell fresh and eat some hot soup.”
She’s in full-on mom mode and I want to tell her she’s thirty years too late. But being nasty to my only friends won’t get me closer to lying in bed and going back to wallow in my misery. What will get me closer to there is doing as they say. I choose the path of less resistance. She also just insinuated I stink. I feel too shitty to be indignant, so I head to the bathroom.
An hour and a half later, I can’t help but appreciate the friends that took care of me.
The chicken soup was delicious and I do feel human again after the bath and the bottles of Gatorade Lauren made me drink. My eyes well. What’s wrong with me? I never cry.
The knock on the door makes me laugh and I shake it off. They forced me to give them a key just in case but they’re still knocking. I make my way to the door, careful to keep my eyes off the White Tara, my half-finished canvas. I haven’t touched it in days and it’s staring at me with accusatory eyes, like the novices at the group home had, back when something went missing.
I open the door but don’t find my girls there. Instead, there is a tall man who seems vaguely familiar. Perfectly-pressed clothes, coiffed hair parted in a perfect line at the temple, and a world apart from the hipsters in my community classes. Eyes dark and frigid, like a January morning. He must be an IRS agent or an auditor of some sort.
Either way, I don’t care. I just want to go back to my bed and enjoy how human I’m feeling right at this moment. “Can I help you?”
“Hello Miss Alexander. My name is Elias Saunders and I’m a lawyer. May I come in?”
And probably a serial killer, too.
“No. You may not.”
His face remains unperturbed and he insists. “This is a serious matter.”
“Whatever it is, you can tell me right here.”
He leans forward and my hand balls into a fist. If he comes any closer, I’m going to knee him in the balls and break my fist on his jaw.
“It’s about your procedure at the Better Maryland Obstetric and Research Clinic.”
The blood whooshes from my head into my ears. I clutch my chest. Something went deadly wrong and he’s come to tell me I’m dying. They found cancer in my ovaries or my blood cells or I have some incurable cognitive disease.
“Please don’t be scared. I just need to talk to you.”
I nod and step back. Not going much further past the entrance. “Don’t close the door.”
He nods and steps in. “Miss Alexander, I’m here representing Spencer Grayson. I’m sure you’ve heard his name. Mr. Grayson owns Grayson Global Corporation and several businesses in the Charm City area. He’s sent me here because of a matter that involves both of you. I came here to inform you that you’ve been impregnated with Spencer Grayson’s child.”